Manny No Longer Being Manny

Oh, the wags at CitiField wagged, if only life worked like this. The cop catches you speeding or breaking or entering and you say “Never mind. I’ll just take The Manny Ramirez and retire.”

In fact it sometimes does work that way (ask onetime Vice President Spiro Agnew). And now apparently – and apparently not to the surprise of everybody in the Tampa Bay Rays organization – Manny has been caught doing something in violation of the drug testing policy and has simply retired rather than face the consequences.

Apparently it wasn’t misconduct that worried the Rays in spring training. Quite the opposite. This was Super Cooperative Manny, volunteering for those long cross-Florida bus trips and willing to play left field or pinch hit or whatever. Seemed too good to be true to some.

And it was.

As to what drug this was, the three leading guesses are Formaldehyde, Botox, or the preservative they put in cookie dough.

DH, 1B, and LF duties will now be shared by some combination of Dan Johnson, Casey Kotchman, Johnny Damon, and Sam Fuld.


      • Patricia Powell Couvillion

        Wait…with a little bit of that hair…if it is real and not extensions…they can tell everything that could be in question! Know what I mean?

    • Phil T. Listener

      “At last, no more smirks, lazy-ass outfield play, and superior-than-thou self-righteousness.”

      Do you mean this is your last one?

  1. Patricia Powell Couvillion

    Zip, I love the guy’s hair. Hair never hurt anybody…or did it? As a child of the fifties and sixties…I will miss those good braids, bud.
    Daisy, the KO School of Baseball is my alma mater, too! I am learning like crazy here. Even watching the games on TV! And watching some other mothers of sports celebs getting arrested, too! Woooo! This is almost soap opera!
    Yeah, Keith. Real life is something. I got fired by the school board for supporting the new superintendent who was exposing corruption! Did not even need to do wrong! My leading drug guess is Miracle Gro, bro!

    • Patricia Powell Couvillion

      One more word: Hair! They said on ESPN he would never make it to the Hall of Fame last night. I was like, WHAT? He will be lucky to make it to Spain! The saddest part is he did not say Goodbye to fans or team. How can that happen? HOW? When they interviewed his mates, they were sad and yet realistic. They all seemed like such good guys! How do you just LEAVE them after that beautiful albeit cheating experience? No hug. No apology. No lock of hair. What is going on in the world? Don’t answer that.

    • Schnitzie

      Bethany, that’s what happens when you leave the game in disgrace. No thank you’s, no farewells, and most important, no questions asked.

  2. SirCoolBreeze

    Manny’s whole career is tainted as are the two Sawx World Series wins (The Big Juici, Manny Juicing Manny, along with only-God-knows-who-else was Juicing or had previously Juiced, on that team).

    You were entertaining, Manny, and I do wish you well, but you were entertaining much more for the negative than for the positive.
    Good luck with Manny Retiring Manny.

    • professortwain

      Not a plausible story… first of all, vasectomy doesn’t affect sexual response or performance. The finding must be very damning…

  3. barbiegee

    Bye, you lying crock of s***. baseball does NOT need you. now, go play with charlie sheen and all those other publicity hounds.

  4. Kiko Jones

    A pathetic end to the career of one of the greatest hitters the game has ever seen. Even as a Yankee fan I can’t deny how awesome this guy was in his prime. But now he’s put the last nail in the coffin of any HoF hopes he may have had, despite his worthy numbers. I guess “Manny being Manny” finally bit Ramirez on the ass.

  5. Patricia Powell Couvillion

    Don’t ask me who is dead, because I am not sure. But, I did have this new idea last night. How about making a league called THE CHEETAHS? Divide the players up into teams and give them names that reflect famous cheaters. Have them play each other. That way, when they crack those balls to high heaven, everyone will already know and accept that they are cheating. Then, the players who are honest could just stay put. I also have an idea for the corporate sponsor for this league. You can guess who. In other news…while watching the Yankees yesterday on ESPN, the announcer came on and told me to take care of my beard and moustache! I had to take a trip to the mirror just to check. Game tonight! Best!

  6. Ken

    Maybe Manny has a female hormone imbalance. … Remember it is ALWAYS someone else at fault for any misdeed. Personal responsibility? Forget about it.

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